I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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