It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
