Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
