sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
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I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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