i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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