In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
