I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
