I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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