I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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