I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
