I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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