I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
