the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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