I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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