After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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