You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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