I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
