Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize