i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
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theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
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Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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