I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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