guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
