Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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