I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
im on a boat
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