I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
my poor anus
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
