I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
