We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
