Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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