mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
