did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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