She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
