Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
