Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
