I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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