How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
