Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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