I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
