You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
