I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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