ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
