This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
