So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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