I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
