grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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