you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
