he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
