Ketchup is God's man juice
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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