i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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