New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
