who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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