just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
