yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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