Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
