last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
