I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
