Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
