you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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