capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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