Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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