ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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