remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
